the bathing suit…

I hate shopping… for me anyway.
After years of being in a size I did not like, I really really thought that it would be fun to go buy new clothes, especially things like bathing suits!  Boy was I wrong.  I hate it… still.

Part of it is expectations I suppose.  I had an expectation that at a certain size you could walk into a gas station and find a great fitting, flattering outfit (yes they sell clothes at gas stations).  How could anything look bad on someone that size??   You know how the saying goes “she would look good in a paper bag”… {well maybe to everyone else but I bet it doesn’t look good to HER}

Without the rolls and extra poof, I expected that clothes would be more comfortable too.

On top of physical comfort and fit, there is a psych aspect to it too.   As a challenge to myself I have been trying to wear clothes that are more “pretty” once in a while – ones a little more flattering than denim shorts and tshirts for the body I work extremely hard for.   Today I intend to wear a strapless top – totally the fashion right now so everyone else is wearing it – I’ve worked hard on my arms and shoulders so I should be damn proud to wear it right?  But I am finding it quite uncomfortable to wear.  I am finding myself thinking of exactly who will be at the places we will be visiting and weighing my decision to wear this stupid outfit against who might think I am too tan, not tan enough, too flabby, too muscular, too well endowed or not well enough.  If I look bad, that’s self explanatory, if I look good, do I appear to be showing off?  At least one person is just thinking – I wonder if the weather will hold up – why can’t that be me??

I end up standing in my closet, having tried on 5 outfits that SHOULD look great on me and not being able to make myself step out of the closet actually wearing any of them!

There really should not be this much anguish involved in a decision to wear a piece of clothing!  But I just got my new summer swim suit and I have the same questions about that outfit.  Sometimes to the point that my mind is occupied the entire time I am wearing it with these questions. {update – I ended up returning the damned thing :( }

There is a mental side to this “size” thing that just does not go away that easily.  And that is the most dissappointing of all – what else can a person do to feel comfortable wearing the same things hundreds of other people are wearing…

I don’t know if I am still stuck in my previous way of seeing myself, or if it was an unrealistic expectation that when I finally reached my goal I’d be confident and feel gorgeous???   Do I continue to embrace these uncomfortable moments hoping one day it won’t feel so awkward?  Or do I give in and wear my frumpy clothes (tho I didn’t work this damn hard to hide it all!!)    I don’t know the answer – I just know there is a side to weight loss that I didn’t expect, and I am sharing it with you :)

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